Sorry for the super late update..... especially when I promised my Aunt Marie I would do it last Sunday or Monday.. whoops! This will be a longer post but stick with me.. or if you really don't want to read it just skip to the fun questions at the end.. but I'm going to be pretty candid about some of the struggles I had while we were trying.
It has been a busy past week few weeks. Especially since I've been starting to feel better and actually wanting to be out and about doing things :-) My belly is definitely starting to round out some! :-) When choosing which picture to post my husband said "pick the one where you look the biggest because it's the one time where that is allowed to be said!" Funny funny man ;-) Although I do look forward to when I look pregnant in regular clothes (like my scrubs I wear at the hospital) and not just maternity clothes. Right now my patients probably just think I like to eat a little too much.
Our church did something a little different today.... the sermon was on what to do when crisis comes.. how we are to first be real with God.. be honest about how you're feeling and what is going on, then to trust Him then lastly to praise Him even when things are hard. It really struck a chord with me. After the service they asked people who wanted to come up and share their praises to God to do so... and if you know me I can get up and sing in front of hundreds of people without batting an eye but have me talk in front of even 15 much less a hundred or so? No way! Maybe I should've, God's given us a pretty awesome story (not just in our infertility journey but our whole story about how we met and ended up marrying each other)... but since I'm a big chicken... I'm going to do it here instead. Stick with me, even if you aren't facing infertility or another struggle right now, I'll try and be short it might help you understand or encourage someone else.
Earlier this week a friend of mine (who is also struggling with infertility) asked me "Do you ever feel angry?" Um... yes, yes I did.. very angry in fact.. (and my friend Jessi and my husband could probably vouch for that!) She said she hated getting on Facebook, going to showers, etc because it seems like everyone is pregnant and it's all so easy for them. It may sound silly to you.. but when you can't get pregnant and everyone else can (even by accident) it hurts. There's an emptiness and you feel alone and broken. She confessed that she felt like a bad person because she was feeling jealous and angry and bitter. Boy do I remember what that feels like! I hated going to church on mother's day or infant dedication day (especially when they were combined). Not that people should walk on egg shells around us but it was hard to watch all the mother's stand and listen to sermons about the special blessing of motherhood.. I always wondered what mother's felt like that not only struggled with infertility but had abortions in the past... recurrent miscarriages... had lost a child.. do they feel like me? Does anyone else feel what I did? It's hard to feel so alone, especially if no one close to you is having a similar experience.
We had been trying to get pregnant for about 2 1/2 years and were told first that nothing was wrong by my OBGYN and friends around us. "You're just trying to hard...I bet if you stop trying you'll be pregnant that month!... Relax and it will happen...."then later after seeing a specialist over a year later we were told we would probably need medical intervention in order to conceive. I struggled at first being pretty angry and bitter watching people get pregnant on accident and sometimes be on their second pregnancy while were still waiting. This past year I was pretty candid with God in my prayers... I remember getting ready one morning, singing along with one of my favorite artists when I got to the chorus of a song and started crying...
"After all You are constant
After all, You are only good
After all, You are soverign
Not for a moment, will You forsake me..."
I remember praying saying, "God, I know this is true, I know in my heart that You are good and that You have only good planned for me.. but right now I sure don't feel like it is true..." (you can listen to the whole song here... its pretty great!) I think that was important.. to be real... to be honest.. and work toward trusting God and to stop trying to put on a face. Does that give us a license to walk around being angry, bitter, or nasty toward others? No, that is not what I'm saying... but be real about your struggle or your feelings, don't put on the fake face and make believe that it is all okay.
And praise God.. our prayers were answered and now it seems all worth it... we did NOT need medical intervention... or at least not near the extent that we were told.
So no matter what your struggle, God wants us to be honest with Him and how we are feeling. In the words of Pastor Cory "If we are real with God and can't praise Him in the hard times... are we really trusting Him?" I'm not saying I did some amazing spiritual thing.. not at all... I sure spent a good time wallowing and complaining instead of trusting... but that moment of being pretty honest with God about what I was feeling was a big turning point. I may not understand, and I may not "feel" a certain way, but I continue to know what is truth and will strive to walk in it and trust in Him. So remember you aren't alone even when you feel like you are. It's okay to be upset and struggle with your feelings being different than what you know to be true (whether you believe in God or not)... it's important to not be stagnant in those feelings and to keep moving forward.
Okay.... now for the fun part.... :-)
How far along? 15 weeks.
Total Weight Gain: about 3 pounds
Maternity clothes? YES! Although I can still wear my normal scrubs at work.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Pretty good except I do have to wake up for pee breaks usually twice a night
Best moment this week: We saw our OB last Wednesday and got to hear little baby's heartbeat again... it was 180s at week 10 and now we were 140s
Miss Anything?: Not really, although I sure love hot tea and I'm trying to not drink my normal tea since there is chamomile in it. Moderation is the key, even by our Dr.'s view but he still said... "if you would feed it to your newborn, it is fine.. if not, then maybe stay away from it."
Movement: Not yet but should soon :-)
Food cravings: Food has finally sounded good the past couple weeks and suddenly Culver's chicken strips baskets sound AMAZING. I mean they've always been tasty to me but now I WANT them a lot. Trying to not eat them that much or my 3 pound weight gain may turn into 30 in the next month :-)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing specifically... I haven't thrown up but just felt a general yuck and sick feeling for the first 10 weeks. Feeling a lot better now :-)
Gender: We don't know yet :-) So far a lot of people have guessed girl. My husband's grandmother had 7 sons, all of them had sons, and I believe one of the grandchildren has had a girl. Any guesses? :-)
Size of baby: Apple or Navel Orange
Weight of baby: Around 2.5 ounces
Labor Signs: We're a little early for that!
Symptoms: I'm feeling tons better although the past couple weeks I get very tired. I didn't have a lot of fatigue in the beginning but I will suddenly feel like I've been hit by a truck and have to sit or lay down for a while if I'm home.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy :-) God has blessed us greatly, I still struggle to not cry when someone mentions it because we tried and prayed for years for this little one. God is good :-)
Looking forward to: Finding out if our little one is a boy or a girl... another 5 weeks :-)
